When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
