Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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