Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
