Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
