Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize