I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
