I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
