Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
