when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
