After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
