I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
