had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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