i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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