I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
