so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
