he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's rum buckets o'clock
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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