i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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