I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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