how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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