I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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