Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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