You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
