i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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