Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
