I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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