Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
