you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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