I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize