I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
