I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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