I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
