we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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