Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
