If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
