Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
