His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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