I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
