i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
