Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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