She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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