It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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