i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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