i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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