Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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