apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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