I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
