you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
