i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize