I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
