don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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