We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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