I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
