she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
