All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
