Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
