Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
