my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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