Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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