Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize