i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
