What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
